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Deaden the Embers

Destroy the Void.

Deaden the Embers

This journal is going to be used to dump my thoughts primarily, but with a focus more on self improvement.

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October 10th, 2011

Fuck you.

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Fuck you for wasting 10 years of my life. Fuck you for making said 10 years basically meaningless. Fuck you for trying to change me and make me a carbon copy of yourself. Fuck you for causing me insane stress throughout my teens. Fuck you for fucking me up for the long term. I hate you.

September 25th, 2011

Well, one thing I've come to realize is that I fail to assert my values outside of my mind. Whenever someone else comes into the picture that seems somewhat important, I become accomodating. Then my values don't really get expressed. Yadda yadda. I feel like I get more and more predictable with how I complain about shit, I even say some of the same words every time. I'm even unconsciously stubborn as shit.

So... I want to write out what the hell my principals for living actually ARE. What I actually give a shit about.

First and foremost, the most important thing to me when it comes to other people is for others to keep an open mind; and for me to also keep an open mind. This isn't an issue, this isn't a dispute for me. This is absolutely the most important thing to me. If that sounds weird, well there are a bunch of things that come with having an open mind. You become more empathetic and sympathetic to other people. Empathy or sympathy without an open mind means you won't learn anything from your experiences with people. You're just kind of there. What's even the point of having thoughts if you can't be open to other possibilities? What's the point of even living if you aren't receptive to things outside of yourself? I can't lose myself in this world view though, as much as I love just letting things soak into me and take them fully in stride.

I feel like a dick for having this mindset sometimes, just in how I enforce it at least. If I see someone as not having an open mind I see them as less and less of a person. A GOOD person wouldn't even think of things like that (hell, are these other people even thinking?). So why should I treat them like a person with actual thoughts?

Keep an open mind in all things in life. Be aware that things can change. Don't just make your mind up in a stupidly rigid way. What if something changes? It would completely blow your fucking mind. Stupidly rigid people must lead incredibly simple lives for things to not smack them in the god damn face all the time. "WHAT? SOMETHING CHANGED? OH EM GEE I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN!" Or maybe they just don't see it change period because they are so closed minded. Rigidity in general is something I completely disagree with. Simply because I think that the nature of reality itself changes every single day, it's not just the same thing. People who make their reality the same thing every day are people I can't respect. They just don't even know. They don't know a damn thing.

What other things do I value? Well there are so many things that I can say that I value, but it all depends on the person so much that it's hard to really define. I value kindness. But I will not be kind to someone that I see hurting others in some way. I don't believe in "killing them with kindness" unless by doing that they totally understand that I am doing it; and I'll continue to do it just to piss them off because they're probably a bad person anyway.

Social values basically come from the other person to me. How I carry myself I could honestly care less about. If the person can't handle me or my attitude, then why would I want to be around them anyway? But hey, that's in an ideal world. I am, afterall, dealing with a situation where my default "don't give a fuck but I actually do" attitude isn't really working out for me.

So that begs the question, what do I value in myself? What are my PRINCIPALS? What MUST I do all the time?

-I must be truthful to those who overall deserve it.
-I must treat people the way I want to be treated when I feel that they deserve it.
-I must present my perspective on things. Otherwise all of the thought I put into things will be absolutely futile.
-I must look out for myself and not get run over by people. But I shouldn't overdo it to good people.
-I must try when it matters.
-I must assert my values even when it is just simply a taboo (my opinion), or even when it would rock that person's world if something that the person is doing fundamentally goes against what I believe.
-Do not let someone rise above me. Ever. Anything that rises above me is bad, anything that can control me and others in a bad way must be stopped or rebelled against. I must consider those close to me an equal, if they aren't an equal then they are below me or against me. Haha, I even think back on the past and see people who I didn't quite agree with on some things. But just because of the amount of respect they had, I didn't really think anything bad of them. Because they were open minded. I usually am grilling Christians in my head for example. But I've met just a few who really stand up to it, and who accept others' points of view. But people who are feeble minded I just can't respect, who can't back up anything they say or believe in. It's such shit. I don't really feel bad for my effect on these people, just because they are less of a person to me as I said above. This may sound extremely selfish, but I just simply refuse to let people have power over me or even THINK that they have a shred of power over me. It's almost offensive to think about.

September 13th, 2011

9/11... a year later

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I've been contemplating this entry for a few days now. This is something that I really need to get out. It's going to be long.

To put it bluntly, my dad died last year. I can ignore it all I want. I've been TRYING to for a year. Thoughts always enter my head and I justify them. Well, after introspecting and getting some ideas from Jodi, I think that I can finally write out my thoughts.

There are a million different things that I feel about this situation. I feel regrets, I feel happy, I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel confused. I guess I should list them out to try to put my thoughts on paper.

What are my regrets? Well, I have a BUNCH of regrets around the situation. God where to start... One of my main regrets I feel is that I wasn't really that emotionally present for my father. I was never really that emotionally present in general a while ago. It's something I'm still honestly learning to default to; and not just autopilot through life. I feel like I wasn't giving my dad my all. I really should have. I had no reason to be afraid of his reaction. I trusted (I guess I should put it in past tense since he's gone) him with most everything in my life. I came to him when I was at my lowest lows in my life. He always helped me. He was a great dad to me. I felt like he did what should have been done exactly to make me as happy as possible as a kid, even though I FUCKING HATED my life ever since Nance entered the picture. I feel regrets that I wasn't emotionally present to a lot of situations I was in. A lot of bad things could have been avoided... things would have actually meant more. Speaking of Nance, that leads me to another regret of mine.

I regret her existance. I regret that she came into the picture at such a young age for me. She totally fucked up my life and really complicated my relationship with my dad. She fucked it up pretty good. She was never good news; even if he wanted someone to kick his ass into movement all she really seemed to do was make him do a bunch of shit he didn't want to do; and just made his life a lot more complicated to where he didn't like it. I know he didn't like it. Hell, he even MOVED OUT of his own home just to get away and spend time with me. I feel like she put me in such a bad place growing up that I went away from everything in my life. Thus... I wasn't present for my dad. God. I can't believe I grew up like that. It just doesn't even make sense to me. It doesn't make sense that someone could really think that ANY of that bullshit was a good idea. I've gone over it a million times in my head, I don't even want to do try to do it again. It would all sound ridiculous. But I feel like I have to. I don't want it to be forgotten. I feel like these things shouldn't be forgotten; I wouldn't want anyone to grow up the way that I did. That's one thing that I know. No one deserves to have their own personal growth completely fucking infringed on. No one deserves to be modeled after another person; when they are their OWN individual person.

Everything back then was totally forced it seems. My time on my computer was limited to two hours a day. I had to get crafty to actually get time on the computer. This was preventing me from socializing; reading about the things I wanted to read about, from my writing, playing games, just generally being creative and testing myself. It was MY OWN damn computer too. She had no right to tell me what to do with it. I should have said something about that. It was MY computer. I should have been able to do whatever the fuck I wanted with it. It was given to me by my mom for Christmas one year. When I bought my laptop I made it more clear that I was going to do whatever the fuck I wanted.

What else was I limited? A lot of these things seem tiny, but they all add up. I remember I couldn't eat anything past dinner at ~7 pm. It was ridiculous. She was afraid of me getting fat for getting a small snack and a glass of milk. Even after telling her that I couldn't sleep if I was hungry. I was also pretty much FORCED to be creative. I think that this had some effect on how I have a hard time expressing myself in the form of art nowadays. I felt forced to be creative because she herself is an artist, she would always buy me art related things, basically lay everything out for me to be creative. Like it was just supposed to happen because she said so. I also was forced to socialize a lot of the time. Not socializing when there were people around was generally looked down on. She was always the life of the party and expected her kin to be the same. It seems a bit minor; but all I can really think about whenever I see someone being really attention whorey and being right in the middle of the social scene is fucking Nance. I can't stand her.

I feel like everything that she did around the house and "raising" me impeded on my relationship with my dad and with everything in my life.

I feel like I still carry a lot of these things with me. I was pretty much forced to zone out to not just be depressed all the time growing up. So... lo and behold, what happens when I get the least bit stressed now? I zone out. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to break that pattern. I've been working on it, and I feel like I've been making progress. I felt so stressed growing up that I react in a silly way to anything like that now. Sure it's easy to live that way, but god I've seen the other side of it and it's so much better.

It still feels like there is someone that should just be... calling all of the shots. Someone who is a bitch like her. Someone to just order me around. Who will reward me for doing the things that they tell me to do. But I don't want that. That's how it can feel sometimes. I don't think I've ever been able to put it to words. I'm just really not used to MY way being a good way. Or the best way. I know that I react to this with one of two extremes; I either just go with the flow far too much, or I react way too much. God, I really feel like a 6 in some aspects of my life. I WANT to call the shots. I want my opinion to be there. But my mind just goes back to this shit with authority.

I don't feel any real regrets around when my dad was actually doing bad. A few months before he actually passed I mean. I spent as much time as I possibly could with him. I still had to be my own person. God those were some shitty times. I remember having to work and being in school through it all. WHY THE FUCK DID I GO TO SCHOOL? I only went because it made him happy to see me making something of myself. I went due to peer pressure, from my family etc. I remember when he died, something clicked in my mind. I don't need to impress anyone. The one person in the world that I'd give a single fuck about impressing is dead now. So I dropped out and pretty much said fuck everyone. It's funny, I started being more present than I had ever been at that time in my life. I'm getting back to that point. It's unfortunate that I fell into a very, very similar pattern again with the whole calling the shots thing. Yeah. I have felt done with that. My conscious mind is done with that, but what my unconscious does is a totally different story. I just feel some weird shit hampering me. It's like an obligation to nothing. That's how I felt with Nance, exactly that feeling. I hated her, the obligations, the rules, the everything, but I had to do it. It was an obligation to nothing. It's pure emptiness.

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Why the hell would I feel happy? Everything around this situation happened right at the right time it seemed; despite how shitty everything was. Had my dad gotten sicker, say, half a year later, I would have met Jodi and yet I wouldn't have wanted to visit or anything because of that. I would have wanted to stick around with him. And I would have been far too fucked up to function after my dad died.

God it all sounds like I'm just telling a bad story.

I also am appreciative that I finally woke up and started to do things for me after he passed. It was a pretty rude awakening though to say the least.

I still can't believe he's gone though. He was a huge part of my life. Amongst the shit going on with Nance, he was the one thing that I could really rely on. He was the reason I didn't break. I know I would have too.

God. I need to rely on ME. That's what happened. The one thing that I could rely on was gone. So I felt like I had to fend for myself and claim myself. The moment I put stock in something else... a similar pattern emerged. Fucking interesting and depressing at the same time.

One of the things that killed me about the situation was seeing him get worse and worse every day. We'd have new hope every day that maybe there would be some miracle operation that would heal him. Everyone was praying around me. I just saw him getting worse. I'm sure he could see that knowing in my eyes. It got to a point where he couldn't eat much of anything anymore. He couldn't focus on anything. Hahaha, I remember him not being there much for Nance, but the moment I entered the room he brightened up even when he was absolutely bedridden. He would carry on conversation with me; he would spend time with me in general. I could feel him there even when he was turning cold and going away. It would exhaust him. He'd have to go to sleep after a few hours with me there. But it was worth it. That brings me to the day he passed away. His brain was almost totally gone. He didn't know where he was, he didn't recognize anyone. When I heard that my heart sank. But when I said "dad" he said my name. He KNEW. He was there. Even when he couldn't see, he put his arm on my shoulder for the last time. He was always there for me. Even til the end. I owe it to him and myself to be there always. To be present. To not be scared. He wasn't afraid of dying, at all. It was really admirable. He was only scared for me and his loved ones. God, I owe it to everyone to be me. To live up to the greatness that was my dad.

Nance is dead to me. Everything she does and has done is horrible. I wish she was never around. This authority, this false authority is dead to me. There is no obligation. I am my own person. I'm not a fucking child like everyone thinks I am god damnit. My old life is dead to me. This is my life now; and I'm going to make it a happy and good one.

A fucking men. I'm done with all of that bullshit. It feels like I just ripped a huge scab out of my heart. It needed to be done. I feel heavyhearted but also relived.

August 20th, 2011

Fuck.

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Come on out you. I can feel you in there. Please stay this time; for my life's sake.

August 10th, 2011

So when I was in Burlington yesterday with my girlfriend for my birthday, one of the main things that I wanted to do was go by Barnes and Noble. I hadn't found anything else that I really wanted at the mall. But then I found the perfect book! Well, not really a book.

"List Your Self- Listmaking as the way to Self-Discovery". I was hoping that SOMETHING like that existed somewhere; but I had never heard of it at all. This book has over 100 questions that it asks you about yourself. Things like- List the ideas, projects, or jobs that are in your thoughts at the present time. And tons more. I'm so happy with this. I can't wait to start filling it out.

Other than that, I'm just glad that I got out of Rutland. I'm also glad that I was with the love of my life. :) I don't even remember my last birthday, and this one more than makes up for that.
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